God is fair
He lets you feel pain
For pain prepares you to become stronger
Heart gets broken easily
Because we have expectations
Love someone today
But do not love them with on the condition that they'll love you back
Don't be afraid
Get hurt, get your heart broken
Put your heart on the line
it'll make you stronger
It will.

goodbyes are never easy
sometimes you think you got over it
sometimes it haunts you back again
layer by layer
page upon lying pages
just like a book
just like ghosts that never shake
you waved goodbye twice
i never really remembered
as i stood there standing with my head kept low
you said you wanted me to be happy
if only you knew what happiness means
If you really wanted me to be happy,
you wouldn't leave like this
If you could try to feel just a little of what I feel everyday,
You would understand
Why i say all these
but God is great
and He'll pull us through this.

Sometimes you take a wrong turn in life but little did you know that the turn you make is planned by God and that that is the best for you.

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real.

i want to sleep so badly.

maybe it's true, when you want something so badly, it won't come to you. no matter how hard you try. no matter how much you tell yourself to try harder. life's a a complicated web of maze.

when will i ever see that light at the end of the tunnel?

and like i said, i want to sleep i want to sleep i want to sleep, God let me fall asleep and please keep him safe.

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up I don't know how I pry away
And I ended up in this position I'm in I starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus:]
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh they can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Ah Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
Every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson and cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone... so
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through oh
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
so oh oh

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.
Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put em on and wear em
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful


Beautiful by Eminem

And who would have thought I would everlisten to eminem? This song is an exception i guess.

Good day everyone! :)

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together. There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.

Winnie the Pooh is so witty.

If i were to jod down how I've been feeling on a pieces of papers, i'll run out of papers.

we need just a little care, love, concern. just a little, to keep us going.

I need to start prioritising. I'm pretty much messed up.

Someday you'll see.

there's still hope, if you continue believing.

I hate it when I have to prove others that I'm right. I hate it when I have to prove my worth. It's times like this that I wish I have you to hear me out.

I hate it when I have to prove others that I'm right. I hate it when I have to prove my worth. It's times like this that I wish I have you to hear me out.

Dear you,

"How are you?"
" Up to you."
"Don't worry."
"Goodluck."
"I miss you"


I've learnt that no matter what God puts you into, you're still you. I'm slowly seeing how everything is a blessing. I'm slowly learning how to cope. Most importantly, I've found the reason i've been searching for. It's been an eye-opening experience. Thank you for making me believe.


Love, Me.

2 papers down, 3 more to go. It feels like a never ending road. As of today, I'm done with officially the most annoying module for this sem. In fact, it's the most annoying module thus far. Again, it annoys me that the amount of effort I put in is never reflected in grades. It's so tempting to just give up right now but there's more than enough reason to strive on. So many things to handle at this point of time but I'm not a quitter. I'm doing this because it's a challenge from above. Because I know something good will come out of all this eventually. And I'll be a better person in the future. InsyAllah. I know how my post-activity will be like. To spend my time by your side as much as I possibly can. And days and days of tuition, orchestra and Germany trip meetings of course. So many things to look forward to. I should be grateful. :)

3 more paper! Time to prove myself wrong.

right now i just feel like going into a huge empty room to scream and curl myself up so i don't have to face this stupid essay on my laptop. i officially have a RATIONAL fear for essays. too rational that i don't feel guilty blogging at this hour when my essay which is due tmr is far from completed.

my heart is empty.
my brain is empty.
and i totally feel like a zombie.

you see, the problem lies in the the fact that you're too ambitious. and you're too hard on yourself. and because of that, when you fall, it hits you the hardest. and you're selfish. you don't like to share. but you can't blame it on yourself coz other's don't really want to accept what you share. then again, bottom line is

dear asmah, stop being a fool.

you missed eric's party today because of essay.
tmr you will stay at home and do more essays.
sunday you can't go for post concert celebration because you need to complete the damn essays.

see, that's why you're a fool.

A phone call from my grandma in Melaka two days ago.

She said, ''hello darling. ape khabar?''

Well, that made my day of coz, and she's back in Singapore today which makes me really happy. :)


busy busy weeks ahead. it's crazy. very crazy.

I was reading MLIG and this girl posted about how people stereotype bandmembers as freaks. Soon after, she searched for definitions of bandmembers on UrbanDictionary and the things they post there made her feel so much better. Later, I stumbled upon a picture in Nina's blog and I found myself smiling. You know that retarded smile, where you curl up your lower lips? That in between smile where you feel proud and accomplished for a moment and then you sigh because you suddenly feel sad when you think of the present?

BNSS band has always been my life ever since I was a member. And as much as I try to wash my hands of this group, I still feel attached to it no matter what.. But its sad now that the band is no longer as glorious as it was. I do agree that changes are inevitable because nothing in this world is constant. But looking at how things are run right now, I can't help but feel at fault for not doing enough. I actually feel guilty for not being around to cushion their fall. Then again, perhaps I was too overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness.

I have long accepted that I am a very nostalgic person by nature and I tend to cling on the past assiduously. But I think all the other members during my time would have to agree with me that BN band was the best thing that happened to them in sec school. To me, it was the peak of my life to such a great degree that even today, the fond memories still lingers in my mind. That is simply because my close friends are a reflection of my present and my past and i'm thankful for them. They are a reminder of a shared past. A past that is worth remembering. A past that has already been a part of me.


And just for the fun of it, or maybe just to prove how each and every member has made an impact in my life so much so that i can actually remember their names, (or rather, to show off my elephant memory), i will list down everyone's name in this picture :)

luqman. ghazali. nicholas. hafiz. roy. hazizi. farith. izzat. raudah. raihan. fairuz. wan. ogy. joel. fauzi. clement. mala. tiffany. jovin. khaliesa. fidah. idham. khairul othman. dehong. cheryl. karen. shuyi. valerie. mandy. shira. ain. farah. zubaidah. pauline. digambar. diwadeb. shiqa. anyan. sinyee. nadhira. mingren. yubing. farahdilla. nina. bettina. jiaxing. shermaine. kadri. eric. anyan. clare. hanis. manting. xinghui. jasmine. ting ting. syaherah. shahirah. phoebe. cassandra. kelly. june. victor. kamalina. ashieka. wayne. suhaina. adilah. aminah. haziq. weijie. yirong.

on a totally unrelated note, i spent my new year's eve with the orchestra friends singing our asses off at cash studio karaoke. thats something new. (and fun of coz!) and i love the fact that i had my dinner at 9pm and i'm still so full and happy right now. and you know whats better? my dinner cost me only $2. hawker centre at bedok central, never fails me. :)

happy new year to all.

in the afternoon i went to watch 'couples retreat' with muhaimin and i felt so insulted and sad when the young little girl at the counter asked him whether the girl beside him (i.e ME) is above 16 or not because if she's not then there will be no refunds once tickets are purchased. asssshole. i bet that young little girl at the counter herself is not even 16 yet. garghh. i don't why i was so affected i should stop making stupid petty things affect me so much. but hey it gets really annoying sometimes! i never thought such things would affect me that much anyway. well the movie was funny but its more appropriate for married couple i thought.

he had to book in so i made my way to tampines library and spent 2 hours browsing through random books like the 'bible for muffins and tarts' and 'cross-stitching handbook'. seriously i never thought i would actually be interested in such books. they're supposed to be under the category of books-you-read-during-grandmahood man. glad i managed to borrow as many books enough to fit inside my bag. i realised i do enjoy some quality time with myself :) its been a while since i have some asmah-time. now..that sounds creepy psychotic. btw i think the library is a good place to stone, reflect, read and of coz for some people just snore their ass off.

on a random note, i wish people are more careful with their words. i wish they take a little more effort to say nice things to others. take a little time to compliment and admire. to listen earnestly without judging. make eye contact, smile, write a little note, give a little hug. wonderful little gestures don't you think? then again.. they sound very utopian to me. sigh.

i have a presentation tmr morning

i am 0.001% through it.

i am extremely exhausted.

i can't even construct a simple sentence properly.

i don't know how i'm going to get the other 99.999% done by today.

i don't think its even possible to do it by subuh.

i cannot stop yawning.

and this is just a presentation ie draft for the essay which i have yet started on.

and there's 2 more essays due on mon.

oh and yah..thai oral exam on mon too.

how?

yawn

Dear Allah, please keep my grandma safe and healthy.

Dear Allah, give me strength to reap the full benefits of this blessed month.

Dear Allah, let me survive this sem.

Dear Allah, keep me awake now ( i have tons of last minute readings to do *yawn*)

Dear Allah, allow someone to smack me on the butt for each time I procrastinate (which is almost all the time)

Amin.

if you haven't been told, school has resumed. what a bummer. i know i shouldn't be complaining much coz i actually did have a really great vacation (korea trip was so great!) but school can get really boring, taxing and stressful at times that its almost unbearable. I got all the 4 modules I wanted this sem. Got outbided for the Science Gem so I had to settle for a ''spare'' module. Very thankful for the 4 day week but it won't make much of a difference to my social life what with tuition every single day and that includes sunday. Woohoo crazy timetable. I hope i survive this sem, self-motivation actually works better for me although i'm not trying to pretend or deny that at the end of the day, the loved one are the ones who usually make my day. Aaah, it's only week 1 so i gotta chill! As you can tell, nothing interesting happened during first week of sch for me.. unless you consider this interesting! I thought i saw MICHAEL OWEN in central library today. ok he's not michael owen, but i was starstrucked for a good 1 minute or so until he caught me staring at him. that's when i realise i was staring at him so closely pretending to type things on the computer. god knows what i was typing at the search engine ( supposed to check time for maghrib, i ended up having ashikjhgfdartyhtrewqahgfd at the search engine) ooopps.

Its 3.50 am and I can't sleep :( i feel so demoralised and depressed each time i step out of the sectionals room. i'm so so horrible and i'm still not doing anything to improve my playing which makes me really think that i suck to the shittiest core. ok i don't feel like blogging right now so ya, useless info that was, til next entry. bye!

ok wait

i just went to fidah's blog and i saw that she had posted pictures of the usuals during waynogyruz farewell dinner at simpang. farewell to who and what you may ask? well its for the boys who's no longer free on weekdays bcoz theyre gonna serve the nation. i tell you, the farewell was so exaggerated macam they wanna migrate to moon and never come back.

nice picture editing fidah! thank you for allowing me to steal them. after all, whats yours is mine and whats mine..is only mine. :P ok jk laaaaa.

Remember the sluggish lifestyle I was talking about in my previous post? Well, I'm trying to prove my point here and live up to that lifestyle. Hahaha this has never happened before I'm actually typing my second entry of the day.

I went to my brother's meet-the-parent session in the evening and it was...depressing. Just talking to his teacher and listening to his comments made me realise just how much parents have to go through to raise up their teenage sons/daughters. And now I really pity my parents who have to deal with this growing up brother of mine whom I never thought could be this rebellious and kepala batu nak mampos. I think I'll save the lecturing or ranting for some other entry. But i guess it's about time I step in and play my part as the.. garang and also kepala batu nak mampos sister.

Alright. Purpose of this entry is actually to say thank you to namira teddy and nadhira sepet for the dinner and supper just now. It was great catching up with you 2 lovelies <3 Nola you should've been there! :(

Ok i'm done, taaaa!

Thanks Nina for driving us. Sya for the directions. Fidah for the (ehem) speedy swing of positive emotions, Aminah the superwoman for carrying the heavy baritone sax for 3 min non stop (fuh) and yes susu for the cam and fina for joining us although you have to be in sch by 7.20am the next morning for the national anthem. It was certainly a wonderful :)

Unlike all the other surprises the KBG has planned so far, this one was a little special because Muhaimin was there :) And he concluded that I have cool friends despite me being not so cool. Heh. Anyway I think he got along well with the rest so thats cool too! :)

Dear PL1101E Students,

Having reviewed your CA 1 Mid-Term MCQ Test marks, it has come to our attention that negative marking was not accurately computed: instead of 0.20 being subtracted from your total score for each inaccurate answer, 0.20 was added for each incorrect answer you made. Your CA1 mark has since been updated on IVLE to reflect the correct marks, taking into consideration negative marking. Please take note of this change. We do apologise for this mistake, and assure you that all marks have been checked repeatedly and thoroughly. Thank you for your attention.

Regards,

Susheel Kaur/Tan Seok Hui

And I thought the grade I got before they realised they've made a mistake is bad enough. Oh my..this is very very bad. It's going to pull down the already horrible CAP this sem. :(

Bleah. I'm moving on to better and happier happenings :)


A few weeks back, Kadri initiated a threesome dinner. We didn't know he was up to something nice and sweet. Sweet and nice are only for powerpuff girls. Kadri and''sweet and nice'' just don't go together. So Eric and I were surprised when he brought us to Swensens and paid for everything. After dinner, he said ''Ok guys let's go shopping'' I stared and Eric and stared right back at me. Shopping? He sounded like a father who's eager to bring his kids for a little escapade to the new shopping mall. Well, we couldn't say no to such a rare offer so off we went hunting for our belated bday gift! Thanks kadri and eric for the great dinner! You guys will forever be my gay brothers. :)